Eagles Nest BBS 5/Eagles_Nest_Mac_Collection_Disc_5.TOAST/Other Non-Macintosh Text/HUMOR31-40/hum037

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Date:         Sun, 6 Mar 1994 05:58:38 -0500
From: BITNET list server at UGA (1.7f) <[e-mail]>
Subject:      File: "HUMOR LOG00037"
To: Jack Zibert <[e-mail]>

HUMOR LOG #37
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 12:49:03 EST
From:         Tom Murray <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Limerics (sexual content)

Beware below:

     There once was a young man from Boston,
         Who drove a little red Auston,
     There was room for his ass and a gallon of gas,
         But his balls hung out so he lost 'em.

     There once was a couple from Bel-Aire,
         Who had an affair on the stair,
     When the banister broke he just doubled his stroke,
         And finished her off in mid-air.

     There once was a girl from Labeze,
         Who's cunt hair hung down to her knees,
     The fleas in her twat tied it up in a knot,
         As she flew on the flying trapeze.

Sorry for being so explicit, however, I believe that these are from
Cheech and Chong so please blame them.
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 12:31:18 EST
From:         Tom Rusk Vickery <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Gruesom punsy

This is mortifying!
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 14:04:28 -0400
From:         Mike Shockley <[e-mail]>
Subject:      X does it with B

George Burns did ti with Grace!
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 16:06:16 EST
From:         Mike Mooney <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Redneck

A Yankee was driving through the south when he decided he wanted to buy
a pig. He stopped at a pig farm and told the farmer he wanted to buy a
100 pound pig. The farmer nodded, walked out into the sty, bent over and
picked up a pig by its tail with his teeth. The farmer said, "This one
will go a little over a 100". Astonished the Yankee said, "Who are you
trying to fool? You can't weigh a pig that way". The farmer laughed and
called to his young son, "Boy, come over here and weigh that pig for this
man". The boy obliged by bending over and picking up the pig by its tail
with his teeth. Turning to his father the boy said, " This here pig weighs
about 100 pounds". The Yankee was having no part of this so in order to
convince him the farmer told his son to go to the house and get his mother
so she could weigh the pig. After a short delay the son returned and
said, "Ma says she will be right down after she's finished weighing the
mailman".
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 16:21:25 EDT
From:         Whomeyayou Thatswho <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Mildly Offensive <Anti-Female>

Hey Buthead...... ha ha ha ha ha ha......

Yeah Beavis ha ha ha ha ha ha.......

Did you know there are over 1 million battered women in Florida....ha ha ha
ha ha........And all this time I was eating them plain.....ha ha ha ha ha
ha........ha ha ha ha ha ha ha .....Coooool.......ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
......yeah cooool ....... ha ha ha ha ha ha

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 16:45:11 EDT
From:         Anissa Holman <[e-mail]>
Subject:      x does it y

Here's one I haven't seen:

        Pharmacists do it with a grinding motion.

How about some along the lines of

        Old (whatevers) don't die they just....

    Anissa  <[e-mail]>
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 16:47:02 -0400
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      OLD ... ETC.

Old Golfers never die, they just lose their balls ...
Old Electricians never die, they just lose their charge ...
Old Jews never die, they just begin buying retail ...
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 15:52:56 -0600
From:         NAME <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Old ... who

Old librarians never die, they just check out.
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 17:01:00 EST
From:         HARSH <[e-mail]>
Subject:      humorous headlines.....

----------------------------Original message----------------------------
<forwards deleted>
Humorous headlines :
====================
Survivor of Siamese twins joins parents

Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years

Never withhold herpes infection from loved one

Smokers are productive.  But death cuts efficiency

Death causes lonliness, feelings of isolation

Stolen painting found by tree

Dealers will hear car talk Friday at noon

Victim tied, nude policeman testifies

Judge to rule on nude beach

Complaints about NHL referees growing ugly

Police discover crack in Australia

Caribbean islands drift to left

Women's movement called more broad-based

Men recommend more clubs for wives

Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors

GRANDMOTHER OF EIGHT MAKES HOLE IN ONE

TWO CONVICTS EVADE NOOSE; JURY HUNG

DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE

FARMER BILL DIES IN HOUSE

IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS

PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE

ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX

HITLER, NAZI PAPERS FOUND IN ATTIC

2 SISTERS REUNITED AFTER 18 YEARS IN CHECKOUT COUNTER

BRITISH LEFT WAFFLES ON FALKLAND ISLANDS

STUDENTS HEAR REPTILE LECUTRE

A few immortals from the English press:

From back in WW II sometime:

               EIGHTH ARMY PUSH BOTTLES UP GERMANS

And more recently:

               MOUNTING PROBLEMS FOR YOUNG COUPLES
               SMOKER MOTHERS HAVE LIGHTER CHILDREN
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 16:04:27 -0700
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Re: medical texts
From Debra Ortiz we are told:
I came across this today and thought some of you might appreciate the
humor in this, although admittedly this is a painful and serious
condition. . .

 from US GOVT CURRENT BIBLIOGRAPHIES IN MEDICINE;

 Gold D Jr. Justino JD. "Bicycle Kickstand" phenomenon:  prolonged
erections associated with antipsychotic agents.  South Med J 1988
Jun;81(6):792-4
Painful and serious to be sure, but think of the possibilities -
For about 36 hours (before gangrene sets in) you could have a self
pedalling mad machine that can be parked on its side and ready for reuse
when wanted or needed.
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 17:16:32 EDT
From:         Dan Hotopp <tron!ami1.bwi.wec.com![e-mail]>
Organization: Antenna/Microwave/Integration WEC
Subject:      Re: call for waitress jokes (mildly offensive language)

Q:  What's the difference between a waitress and a toilet seat?
A:  A toilet seat only sees one asshole at a time.
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 16:15:20 MST
From:         Phil Corless <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Signs (G)

At the entrance to a residential area near Jackson,
Wyoming, there is a large log archway on which are
placed several prohibitory signs.  These include:
"No Snowmobiling," "No Fishing" and, most recently,
"No Loose Dogs."  Under this last warning sign,
someone had written in large letters:  "Dogs With
Good Morals OK."
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 19 Oct 1993 03:07:40 SAT
From:         Tariq Mohammed Al-Yahya <[e-mail]>
Organization: King Fahd University of Petroleum and Minerals, S.A.
Subject:      Wish <Racist>

i would like to post this but please i am not trying to hurt anyone and fool
of anyone it is only a jok ..ok?! there was a black man who called his God and
said "God please turn me white color and let me see the ass's of the people"

After a few days God respond to his call and turned him a TOILET SEAT !! :)
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 17:31:23 PDT
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was
              [e-mail]
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Life  2.P     A collection of clean humor gather on: 1 Feb 88

----------------------------------------------------

Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in.  While
several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the
customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their
wallets, watches, etc.  While this is going on lawyer number one jams
something in lawyer number two's hand.
Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, "What is this?", to which
lawyer number one replies, "it's that $50 I owe you."

----------------------------------------------------

     A horse breeder has his young colts bottle-fed after they're three days
old.  He heard that a foal and his mummy are soon parted.

     A girl spent a couple hours on the phone talking to her two best friends,
Maureen Jones, and Maureen Brown.  When asked by her father why she had been
on the phone so long, she responded "I heard a funny story today and I've
been telling it to the Maureens."

     Three actors, Tom, Fred, and Cec, wanted to do the jousting scene from
Don Quixote for a local TV show.  "I'll play the title role," proposed Tom.
 "Fred can portray Sancho Panza, and Cecil B. De Mille."

     Catching his children with their hands in the new, still wet, walkway,
the father spanked them.  His wife asked, "Don't you love your children?"
 "In the abstract, yes, but not in the concrete."

     Two parent drops spent months teaching their son how to part of the
ocean.  After months of training, the father drop commented to the mother
drop, "We've taught our son all he needs to know, he is now fit to be tide."

     After Snow White used a couple rolls of film taking pictures of the
seven dwarfs, she mailed the roll to be developed.  Later she was heard to
sing, "Some day my prints will come."

     A young girl, Carmen Cohen, was called by her last name by her father,
and her first name by her mother.  By the time she was ten, didn't know if
she was Carmen or Cohen.

His students planted a orchard in his honor, the trees all have square roots.

----------------------------------------------------

Seems that there was an auto race with just two entrants:  An American car,
and a Soviet car.  The American won.  The Soviet press announced the
results this way:  "The Soviet car came in second.  The American car came
in next to the last."

The head of government of a certain East European country had in his office
a telephone with an earpiece, but no mouthpiece.  "What's that?" asked a
visitor.  "That's my private hotline to Moscow", was the reply.

----------------------------------------------------

This was taken from the Jan 11, 1988 US News & World Report:

Donald Petersen, chairman of Ford:
Genius is lasting 5 minutes longer than the other side.

----------------------------------------------------

A not-very-bright shorthand typist (or maybe she wanted to
teach her boss a lesson?) presented the following letter for
signature:
   Dear Mr Tomlinson,
      Now let me see.  What shall I tell the old fool?  In
   reply to yours of the sixteenth we are surprised to learn
   that the car which you purchased from us is not giving
   perfect satisfaction.  We had to sell it quickly before it
   fell to bits.
      As you know, we inspect all cars thoroughly before
   putting them up for sale.  Your vehicle was in excellent
   condition when it left our showrooms.  That's a nice dress.
   New, isn't it?
      It is possible that your driver is at fault.  Five miles
   to the gallon is very poor milage for a car in such good
   condition as yours.  Five gallons to the mile would be about
   right.  I never noticed before you have a little dimple on
   your chin.  Please bring it round at your convenience and our
   mechanic will make the necessary adjustments.
                              Yours faithfully,

                              Just sign it yourself.
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 21:56:41 EDT
From:         Debra Ortiz <[e-mail]>
Organization: School of Medicine
Subject:      straight from the South--trucker jokes--sexual content

I know that there is a limit of one post per day, but since I am
going to be away for a week, I would like to share one more:

There was a young couple from the country who had been out beer-
drinkin' with their friends on a Saturday night.  As they headed home
on one of the lonely country backroads (some of which can go for
miles without ever passing a sign of civilization--except for
fencing) they decided to stop and consummate their relationship.  So
they did.  They pulled the car over and laid a blanket out in the
middle of the road and began to "do the deed."

    Well, at about that same time, a trucker was headed down that
same road, trying to make better time on his run.  As he rounded the
corner, he saw the couple lying in the middle of the road, the man
never missing a stroke.  He pulled on the air horn time and time
again, slamming on the brakes.  Finally, he managed to stop the
truck within a foot of the couple.  The trucker jumped out of the
truck in a rage:

"FOR GOD'S SAKE, MAN, WHAT IN THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU.
DIDN'T YOU SEE ME COMING??"

To which the man replied--"Yeah, I saw you coming.  And I saw her
coming, and I saw me coming, and  I figured you were the only ones
with any brakes."
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 22:56:49 EST
From:         "Bill Edwards, Columbus College, Georgia" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Netiquette <satire>

Original-author: [e-mail] (Brad Templeton)
Last-change: 30 Nov 91 by [e-mail] (Brad Templeton)

"Dear Emily Postnews" Emily Postnews, foremost authority
on proper net behaviour, gives her advice on how to act
on the net.
-----------

Dear Miss Postnews: How long should my signature be? -- verbose@noisy

A: Dear Verbose: Please try and make your signature as long as you
can.  It's much more important than your article, of course, so try
to have more lines of signature than actual text.

Try to include a large graphic made of ASCII characters, plus lots of
cute quotes and slogans.  People will never tire of reading these
pearls of wisdom again and again, and you will soon become personally
associated with the joy each reader feels at seeing yet another
delightful repeat of your signature.

Be sure as well to include a complete map of USENET with each
signature, to show how anybody can get mail to you from any site in
the world.  Be sure to include Internet gateways as well.  Also tell
people on your own site how to mail to you.  Give independent
addresses for Internet, UUCP, and BITNET, even if they're all the
same.

Aside from your reply address, include your full name, company and
organization.  It's just common courtesy -- after all, in some
newsreaders people have to type an *entire* keystroke to go back to
the top of your article to see this information in the header.

By all means include your phone number and street address in every
single article.  People are always responding to usenet articles with
phone calls and letters.  It would be silly to go to the extra trouble
of including this information only in articles that need a response by
conventional channels!
                                ------
Dear Emily: Today I posted an article and forgot to include my
signature.  What should I do?  -- forgetful@myvax

A: Dear Forgetful: Rush to your terminal right away and post an
article that says, "Oops, I forgot to post my signature with that last
article.  Here it is."

Since most people will have forgotten your earlier article,
(particularly since it dared to be so boring as to not have a nice,
juicy signature) this will remind them of it.  Besides, people care
much more about the signature anyway.  See the previous letter for
more important details.

Also, be sure to include your signature TWICE in each article.  That
way you're sure people will read it.
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 18 Oct 1993 23:46:24 EST
From:         Sara Rummelhart <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Who is the boss <CRUDE>

THE BOSS

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be the boss.

The Brain said, "Since I control everything and do all the
thinking, I should be boss."

The Feet said, "Since I carry man where he wants to go and get him
in position to do what the brain wants, I should be boss."

The Hands said, "Since I do all the work and earn all the money to
keep the rest of you going, I should be boss."

The Eyes said, "Since I must look out for all of you and tell you
where danger lurks, I should be boss."

And so it went, the Heart, the Ears, the Lungs all made their case
why they should be the boss.  Finally the A**hole spoke up and
demanded to be made the boss.  All of the other body parts laughed
at the idea of and a**hole being the boss.  The A**hole was so
angered that he blocked himself off and refused to function.  Soon
the Brain was feverish, the Eyes crossed and ached, the Feet were
to weak to walk, the Hands hung limply at the sides, the Lungs and
Heart struggled to keep going.  All pleaded with the Brain to
relent and to let the A**hole be boss.

And so it happened, all the other parts did the work and the
A**hole became the Boss and passed out a lot of sh*t.

THE MORAL

You don't have to be a brain to be a boss, just an a**hole.
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 19 Oct 1993 11:01:54 BST
From:         Mike Ellwood <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: latin humor + misc crudish stuff

A source of pseudo Latin humor could be the Asterix books, wherein
the Gallic tribesmen are the heroes, and the occupying Romans are
the (universally dumb) villains.

In an Italian version of these books, the Roman legionary "motto"
SPQR (I forget what this really stands for) was rendered as:

"Sono Pazzi Questi Romani" ("They are mad, these Romans")

(and apparently, in Italy, this is not an inappropriate  joke :-) )

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the definition of a Mistress?

A. Something that comes between a master and a mattress.

Did you hear about the truck driver who pulled out suddenly to avoid a
child? - He fell out of bed.

Two friends are talking: "Hey, you're looking a bit down; what's the matter?"
"I was taking my girlfriend home last night on the motorbike, and ran out
 of gas; while I was pushing it home, someone stole my motorbike..."

Two girls from a convent boarding school have stayed out late, way beyond the
curfew hour, and have to sneak in, over the wall and somehow get back to the
dormitory. They find a ladder in the garden, and get up to the dormitory
window, which fortunately, is not locked, and they are able to clamber in.
As they are doing  this, one says to the other: "Hey, I feel like a fireman"
"Yeah, so do I but where would we get one at this time of night?"
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 19 Oct 1993 12:55:03 +0100
From:         Alun Richards <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Animals & eyes (Clean, un-offensive, not sick, really!)

Q: What do you call a prehistoric one-eyed reptilian lizard?
A: A D'ythinkysaurus.

Q: What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A: P-I-I-I-G.
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 19 Oct 1993 08:40:10 -0400
From:         Stan Planton <[e-mail]>

RE:Latin Jokes

My favorite was one I saw on a men`s room wall at Ripon College, many years
ago:

COITO, ERGO SUM

Stan Planton
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 19 Oct 1993 09:00:00 -0400
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Tom Ohlendorf - TSU Admin. DP,
              [phone]" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Old ... never die

Old generals never die, they just lose their privates.
Old programmers never die, they just lose their memory.
Old netters never die, they just lose their bandwidth.
Old computers never die, they just lose their MIPs.
Old grave diggers never die, they just smell like it.
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 19 Oct 1993 09:06:46 EST
From:         John Wichers <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Oscar Meyer (LANGUAGE)

my baloney has a first name
it's C-O-W, cow
my baloney has a second name
it's L-I-P-S, lips

I like to eat it every day
and if you ask me why I'll say
that Oscar Mayer has a way
of getting 'round the FDA

--John
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 19 Oct 1993 10:43:25 EST
From:         Tim Moslener <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Signs (G)

A good sign that I saw in Michigan was:

On I-75, there is an exit #69.  It is officially called:

Exit 69, Big Beaver Road!
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 19 Oct 1993 11:32:22 EDT
From:         Anissa Holman <[e-mail]>
Subject:      chemists

Hello all,

I saw this in the Science department at my college:

        Todd was a chemist.
        Todd is no more.
        What Todd thought was H2O,
        Was H2SO4.

Gruesome, but cute.

    Anissa  <[e-mail]>
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 19 Oct 1993 09:18:21 MST
Comments:     Resent-From: APUCORLE@IDBSU
From:         Phil Corless <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Golf Joke (G)

A golfer's ball had landed just left of the fairway.
As he searched for it in the weeds, he noticed a police
car parked across the road.  "I don't know where your
ball went," the police officer yelled to him, "but for
what it's worth, it was going 42 miles an hour!"
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 19 Oct 1993 11:10:00 CST
From:         Steve Bell <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Latin humor

Everyone knows that Descartes is famous for his axiom
        Cogito ergo sum.
It took a lot of work to develop this little homily.  Among his earliest
efforts was:
        Cogito ergo spud.
(I think therefore I yam.)
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 19 Oct 1993 10:34:37 -0600
From:         Chuck Carter <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Fem Offensive

                I know a girl who wears red shoes,
                she smokes my pot and drinks my booze,
                shes got no cherry, but thats no sin,
                shes still got the box the cherry came in!
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 19 Oct 1993 09:50:40 EST
From:         Rick Dahm <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Offensive to virtually everyone (dead babies)/do-it/political
              humor

Greetings and Fellicitations, One and All!

I hope, for your sakes, that none of you have eaten.  Here goes!
-What's worse than a dead baby?  A pile of dead babies.
-What's worse than a pile of dead babies? The same pile, thirty days later.
-What's worse than a thirty day old pile of dead babies? The same pile,
        with the one on the bottom eating his way out.
-What's white, blue, and green? A dead baby in a plastic bag.
-What's white, blue, green, red, and goes Mach Two in a hundred directions?
        The same baby, thrown into a Concorde engine.

I warned you!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--
-------
It occurs to me that science fiction is a great area for "do-it" humor.
Any Star Trek and Star Wars fans will enjoy these.
-Jedi Knights do it forcefully.
-Corellians do it in hyperspace.
-Helmsmen do it at warp speed.
-Time Lords do it in the fourth dimension.
-Sith Lords do it any way they want!
-Vulcans do it logically (but only every seven years).
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--
------
I heard this in the seventies, when Pierre Trudeau was Prime Minister of
Canada. It helps if you've seen or heard of the old "Six Million Dollar
Man" television series.

        There was a convention of bionic engineers in Geneva. It was late,
everyone had had a few drinks, so all the assembled engineers felt loose
enough
to
to reveal a few secrets and boast a bit. The russian engineer rose, downed his
vodka in a single swallow, and said,"We took an engineer who'd had an arm
blown off and made him able to lift eight hundred pounds."
        "That's nothing," said the british engineer.  We took a scientist who
had lost a lung in a fire and made him able to breathe underwater."
        The american scientist favored them all with a superior smile.
"We can top you all. We took an astronaut who'd lost an arm, two legs, and
an eye and made him able to run sixty miles an hour, lift half a ton, and see
in total darkness!" The others murmered among themselves, impressed.
        The canadian, who'd been sitting quietly all this time, shaking his
head sadly, finally spoke up.  "Is that the best you can do? I'm really
disappointed in you guys."
        The engineers glared in disbelief.  The american snarled," What the
hell

could you have done that could possibly top us?"  The canadian engineer simply
s
miled
smiled and said," We took a french canadian asshole and made him prime
minister."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--
----------
Re: Dorithy Parker
I GIVE!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--
-
Re: Re:Gruesome Punsey
To be pondered: Is embalming a dead issue?
-Personally, I find all this rather draining.
-Doesn't this sort of humor leave you cold?
-If I were a trochar, I'd get the point.
-The secret to enduring this is not to keep one's humor, but to keep a stiff
        upper lip (apologies to Derryck).
-I think we pretty much have this all sewn up, but let's not wax morbid
        (eg, mortician's wax).
(I have noone to blame but myself.I started this thing)
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 19 Oct 1993 10:23:26 -0700
From:         "NADAV 666-2973 (415)" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      bumper sticker -clean -

 I don't care how you do it,
 where you'd rather be,
 what you rather be doing or
 what your other car is
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 19 Oct 1993 13:30:56 EDT
From:         Se Lareow Patricius <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: offensive to limbless people
what do you call a man with no arms or legs hanging on the wall?
Art.

What do you call him if he falls onto the floor?
Matt.

What do you call him if he's bald?
Dick.

What do you call him if he's got fifty rabbits up his ass?
Warren.

--Riff
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 19 Oct 1993 12:33:17 CST
From:         Weasel <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Sexist (clean) Q&A

Q. Why don't women like to play Frizbie?               /\ /\
A. It hurts their teeth too much when they catch it.    . .
                                                        /"\
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 19 Oct 1993 13:33:43 -0400
From:         Grady Lacy <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Latin humor
On Tue, 19 Oct 1993, Steve Bell wrote:

Decartes goes into a bar one day, and the bar tender says to him:
"Bonjour, M. Decartes, would you care for something to drink?"

Decartes looks up and replies, "I think not," and promptly disappears!
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 19 Oct 1993 14:01:48 -0400
From:         Scott J Holman <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: offensive to limbless people

More NO ARMS/ NO LEGS jokes......

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms/legs laying in a hole??
A: PHILL (FILL)

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms/legs in a pool??
A: BOB

Q: What do you call a lafy with no arms, but one leg??
A: Peg

[e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 19 Oct 1993 14:43:37 -0400
From:         Ann Woods <[e-mail]>
Subject:      CLEAN JOKE

WHY DON'T CANNIBALS EAT CLOWNS?
BECAUSE THEY TASTE FUNNY.
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 19 Oct 1993 15:02:53 -0400
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was TJMCKENNA@PSULIAS
From:         [e-mail]
Organization: Penn State University / CES & CE
Subject:      disney joke (offensive to fans)

                  I N T E R O F F I C E   M E M O R A N D U M

                                        Date:     19-Oct-1993 02:58pm EST
                                        From:     Tom Mckenna
                                                  TJMCKENNA
                                        Dept:     Audio Visual Services
                                        Tel No:   [phone]

TO:  Remote Network Mail User             ( [e-mail] )

Subject: disney joke (offensive to fans)

Mickey and Minnie succumb to the inevitable and become yet another statistic.
Mickey sues Minnie for divorce.  The Judge is distraught that the relationship
of two such beloved characters could come to such an awful conclusion.

Determined to keep the mouse couple together, the Judge asks Mickey, "Now why
would you want to divorce Minnie?"

"Because she's fuckin' goofy, your honor," replies Mickey.

"But Mickey, replies the Judge, you can't just divorce Minnie because she's
crazy!"

"I didn't say she was *crazy*, your honor.  I said she was fuckin' Goofy!"

(courtesy of ellen g.)

tom mckenna
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 19 Oct 1993 16:41:36 -0500
From:         DEATH ANGEL <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Descartes

One of his unsuccessful experiments was with animal intelligence. He tried to
see if horses thought... However, face to face confrontation proved to be
impossible. You can't put Descartes before the horse.
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 19 Oct 1993 15:05:01 -0700
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      older folk

        There was a more than middle-aged lady who decided she needed a
breast examination. Her husband, however, did not like the doctor nor want
him examining his wife. Nevertheless, she went to the examination.When she
returned home she had to tell him of her experience.
        "He said my breasts were like those of a 20-year-old girl"
        The husband grumbled, "What did he say about that 55 year-old ass?"
        "Oh," she replied, "we didn't talk about you at all."
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 19 Oct 1993 18:27:04 -0400
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      bumper stickers

Nuke the unborne gay whales.
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 19 Oct 1993 18:46:58 EST
From:         Joe Mole <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Never told the truth <Mulla>

NEVER TOLD THE TRUTH

     "They say your jokes are full of hidden meanings, Nasrudin.
Are they?"

     "No."

     "Why not?"

     "Because I have never told the truth in my life, even once;
neither will I ever be able to do so."
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 19 Oct 1993 19:54:20 -0400
From:         Karen Smith <[e-mail]>

sign me off karen smith
sign off k smith
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 19 Oct 1993 20:48:54 EDT
From:         Beavis N-Buthead <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Lightly Offensive to Homosexuals

Hey Beavis....ha ha ha ha ha ....yeah Buthead ha ha ha ha ha .....What's one
of the first obvious signs of AIDS? ha ha ha ha ha ha ......I don't know ha
ha ha ha ha ha ha .......A throbing pain in your asssshole....asshole......ha
ha ha ha ha ha ha .......ha ha ha ha ha ha .......ha ha ha ha ha ha
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 19 Oct 1993 21:19:35 -0400
From:         "SSgt Sel Scott C. McClaren" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      West Virginia living (mildly offensive to that state's
residents)

                    YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM WEST VIRGINIA WHEN:

You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
You consider a six-pack and a bug zapper "quality entertainment".
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
When someone asks you for your I.D., you show them your belt buckle.
Your Junior and Senior Prom had a day care center.
Your Mother does not remove the Marlboro Light from her lips before she tells
the State Patrolman to "kiss my ass".
You have used lard in bed.
The primary color of your car is "Bondo".
The directions to your house include, "turn off the paved road".
Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
Your kids go hungry tonight because you just "had to have" those Yosemite Sam
mud flaps.
You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
You have lost at least one tooth trying to open a beer bottle.
Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired" people.
Your wife's hairdo has been ruined by a ceiling fan.
You see no need to stop at a "rest area" because you have an empty milk jug in
the car.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
You have a Hefty bag taped to the passenger window of your car.
You bar-b-que "SPAM" on the grill.
You have to scratch your sister's name off the message that says, "For a good
time call ________________"
Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
REDMAN chewing tobacco sends you a Christmas card.
You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
Your Dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it "attractive".
You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet girls.
You prominently display the gift you bought at Graceland.
Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
Your front porch falls in and kills more than 3 dogs.
You call your boss "dude".

You think Volvo is part of a woman's body.
You consider your license personalized because your Father made it.
You were fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
You need one more hole punched in your card that gets you a "freebee" at the
"House of Tattoos".
Your Dad encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the
lube rack.
You need an estimate from your barber before you get a hair cut.
After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
You stated a petition in North Carolina to put the dimmer switch back on the
floor board because you keep getting your foot stuck in the steering wheel
when you try to dim your headlights.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 01:01:24 -0400
From:         Ian Chai <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Subjects Wanted!

I just saw this header:

From: [e-mail] (matejkowski jason c)
Newsgroups: uiuc.classifieds
Subject: !!!SUBJECTS WANTED!!!
Date: 20 Oct 1993 01:35:25 GMT

Took a double-take... I wondered if it was complaining about people not
putting subjects in their posts... turns out it's "Subjects are needed
for a Psychology experiment investigating visual selective attention."
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 09:01:59 MET
From:         Jan Kucera <[e-mail]>
Subject:      limerick (clean)

This is a limerick I received from Linda "Snowhite" White who had to sign off
our list:

There was a young fellow of Ealing,
Endowed with such delicate feeling,
  When he read on the door,
  "Don't spit on the floor,"
He jumped up and spat on the ceiling.

--
Jan Kucera:  [e-mail] (or .cs)
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 12:17:24 BST
From:         Mike Ellwood <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: limerick (clean)
On Wed, 20 Oct 1993 09:01:59 MET Jan Kucera said:
>
>This is a limerick I received from Linda "Snowhite" White who had to sign off
>our list:
>
>There was a young fellow of Ealing,
>Endowed with such delicate feeling,
>  When he read on the door,
>  "Don't spit on the floor,"
>He jumped up and spat on the ceiling.
>
>--
There was a slightly different version which Spike Milligan used to
tell:

There was a young girl from Darjeeling
Who got on a bus towards Ealing
It said on the door
Don't spit on the floor
So she got up and spat on the ceiling

Another of his:

I must go down to the seas again
to the lonely sea and the sky
I left my vest and socks there
I wonder if they're dry?

(apologies to John Masefield)

And:

Hush hush!
Whisper who dares!
Christopher Robin has fallen downstairs!

(apologies to A.A. Milne)
:))
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 07:27:54 CDT
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Mike Boswell Mfg 4-6881 ~BHOSVWZ#097"
              <[e-mail]>
Subject:      limerick-=dirty

There once was a man from Nantuckett
whose dick was so long he could suck it.
He said with a grin as he wiped off his chin,
if my ear were a cunt, I could fuck it!
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 14:50:54 +0100
From:         Alun Richards <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Latin innuendo

...and there's always the transposition of J Caesar's words on
conquering Britain: Veni vidi vici (I came, I saw, I conquered).

                   - Vidi vici veni -
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 10:10:06 -0400
From:         "SSgt Sel Scott C. McClaren" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Kentucky Mom's letter to her son

Letter from a Kentucky Mother to her son

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm alive.  I'm writing this letter
slowly cause I know you can't read very fast.  You won't know the
house when you come because we've moved.  I won't be able to send you
the address as the last Kentucky family that lived here took the
numbers off for their next house to they won't have to change their
address.  About your fater, he has a new job.  He has over 500 men
under him.  He's cutting the grass at the cemetary.  There was a
washing machine in the new house when we moved in, but it isn't
working too good.  Last week, I put 14 shirts in it, pulled the chain,
and I haven't seen them since.  Your sister Mary had a baby this
morning.  I haven't found out if it's a boy or girl, so I don't know
if you're an aunt or an uncle.  Your uncle Dick drowned last week in
the distillery.  Some of the workers dove in to save him but he fought
them off bravely.  He had his body creamated and it took three days to
put out the fire.  Your father didn't have too much to drink this
Christmas.  I put a bottle of caster oil in a pint of beer.  It kept
him going until New Years Day.  I went to the doctor on Thursday and
your father came with me.  The doc put a small tube in my mouth and
told me not to open it for ten minutes.  Your father offered to buy it
>from him.  It only rained twice last week.  Three days the first time
and four the next.  Monday was so windy that one of our chickens laid
the same egg four times.  We got a letter from the undertaker
yesterday - he said that if the last statement isn't paid on your
grandmother's funeral within seven days, up she come!

Love,

Mother

P.S.  I was going to send you ten dollars but I had already sealed the
envelope.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 08:18:00 MST
Comments:     Resent-From: APUCORLE@IDBSU
From:         Phil Corless <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Dolphins/Elvis

Three trained dolphins escaped from their performing pen
at a resort in Key Largo, Florida.  They were discovered
several days later in a lagoon off Key Biscayne, some
55 miles distant.  At 10 a.m., 2 p.m. and 4 p.m. they
performed tricks, apparently hoping to be fed on their
Key Largo schedule.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Industry Fact:  When Elvis Presley died in 1977 there were
                37 Elvis impersonators in the world.

                Today there are 48,000.

If the current trend continues,
by the year 2010, one out of every three
people in the world will be an Elvis impersonator.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 11:13:15 ADT
From:         Chris Turrell <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Rooster Bob

    Willy the farmer decided to buy a rooster for his 500 hens. He
asked for an energetic one to keep his hens happy. He went home with
Rooster Bob. Willy put Bob with the Hens for the night and went to
bed. When he came out the next morning there were 500 dead hens.
"Bob!", shouted the farmer, " you better slow down or you will fuck
yourself to death! ". " No way ",  replied Bob. " We'll see ", said
the farmer and he went out and bought 500 more hens. Then next day,
same story, 500 dead hens. " Bob! slow down or you will fuck yourself
to death! ", said the farmer. Bob only asked for more. The farmer ,
fed up now, went out and bought 1000 hens. " This will show him. He
can't  kill all these! " he thought to himself. The next morning
Willy went out to check on the hens. Sure enough, 1000 dead hens.
He ran over to Bob and found him laying back , wings spread, vultures
flying overhead. Bob was dead. " I told you Bob, you would fuck
yourself to death." Bob said," SSSSHHHHHHHHHH! The vultures might
come down! "
------------------------
[e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 10:20:38 -0400
From:         Dale Schroyer <[e-mail]>
Subject:      A dirty joke

A father approached his 14 year old son and asks him what he wants most for
his birthday. The son replies, "I want to get laid Dad." The father says, "You
are still a bit young for that." He takes him out to the backyard and shows
him a tree with a knot hole in it. "Practice on this and we'll see next year,"
says the father.

The next year the father asks the same question and gets the same reply. The
father tells the son to practice on the knot hole for another year.

On his 16th birthday the son says, "Enough with the knot hole already, I am
ready for a woman!" The father agrees and takes the son into town to the local
cathouse. He tells the madam, "One for me and one for my son." The madam
replies

"You go up the stairs and turn left, your son goes up the stairs and turns
right." At the top of the stairs the father pauses to wish the son good luck
and then goes into the room with the whore. All of a sudden he hears terrible
screaming coming from the room where his son went. He runs over and bursts
into the room. There he sees his son with shoving a broomstick in and out of
the whore while she is screaming at the top of her lungs.

"What the f**k are you doing son?" yells the father.

"Checking for squirrels Dad" replies the son.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 11:46:04 -0400
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Sometimes I really wish I could be what I was when I wanted to
              be what I am now." <[e-mail]>
Subject:      A ship at sea.....

        A Steamer developed trouble in one of its pressure valves in its
 engine room that caused an explosion.  The ship was sinking fast, but the
 crew acted swiftly to get the passengers off onto life rafts.  Finally,
 the crew started piling into the rafts.  When it got down to the last 3-man
 lifeboat, only the Captain and three of his crew were left behind.
        The Captain turned to his crew:  "I don't believe these stories
 about the captain going down with his ship, and since there is only enough
 room in this lifeboat for three of us, I'm going to aske each of you one
 question.  Whoever answers correctly can get into the lifeboat."
        The Captain addressed the first sailor: "What famous 'Unsinkable'
 ship went down after striking an iceburg?"
        The first sailor immediately responded, "The Titanic, sir!" and
 climbed into the lifeboat.
        Then the Captain asked the second sailor:  "How many people went
 down with the Titanic?"
        The second sailor immediately responded, "One thousand, three
 hundred and fourty-seven, Sir!" and climbed into the lifeboat.
        Turning to the last sailor, the Captain asked:
           "And what were their names?"
                                - James Bologna @ Bentley.Edu
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 11:02:44 -0500
From:         Ian Chai <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Psychology pun

  The great psychologist Dr. Horst Zilber was the first person to do a
  scientific study on the fundamental principle of human psychology that
  causes the herd instinct -- you know, the tendency of people in large
  groups to do the same thing that they would not do individually. He
  called it the "rinding" effect, because just as the rind of a fruit
  keeps it together as a cohesive whole, this psychological effect keeps
  mobs together. Well, western science being what it is, this effect got
  Dr. Zilber's name tacked on to it. So,

                  every crowd has a Zilber Rinding.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 12:23:51 EDT
From:         Tiffany Martin <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: West Virginia living (mildly offensive to that state's
              residents)

In Reply to the "You Know You're From West Virginia WHEN:"

*The House Plans for your DREAM Home include the dimensions of 40 by 70.*
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 11:45:26 -0500
From:         Uwgb Bbs System <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Birthday

A Beech tree and an Oak tree who had been living next to each other for some
time notice that a sapling has started growing between them.  They did not
like this so they called the wise old woodpecker over to give them a hand.
After they explained the situation to the woodpecker he flew down to
investigate.  A short time later he flew back and the trees asked if he could
help.  The woodpecker smiled and sayed he could not because he was now
involved with the sapling.  The tree's asked what he meant and the woodpecker
replied: "That is the best piece of ash I have ever had my pecker in."
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 13:05:41 EST
From:         Theresa Muir <[e-mail]>
Subject:      offensive to those in monastic orders

There was an order of cloistered monks who took a vow of silence. But
every year, once a year, on the same day, they were permitted to utter
aloud a single brief statement.

Well, one year, when the day arrived, Brother Dominic said, "The food
here really stinks, doesn't it?"

A year later, on the same day, Brother Francis said, "You know my cell
is really drafty."

Another year goes by, and Brother Benedict says, "You know, geting up
for services at three in the morning is a real drag."

Yet another year goes by, and on the great day, Abbott Bernard stands up
and says:
"That's IT! I've had it with this constant whining!"

Theresa Muir
[e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 13:05:52 +0501
From:         "Penny S. Ward" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Bumper stickers

Saw this bumper sticker this morning, which people from North Carolina
should be able to appreciate:

           N.C.:  First in Pavement
                  Last in Education

Also... You know those bumper stickers that say "I [heart] my poodle" (or
corgi or dachsund or doberman)?  I saw an ad for a mail order company
where you could buy stickers with a picture of a "screw" on them, to cover
up the "heart" and give the stickers a whole new meaning.

Penny
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 12:48:21 -0400
From:         "SARAH M. LIBERMAN" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Limrick (not meant to offend anyone, ok? *Smile* )

The credit for this one goes to my husband.  I thought it was cute when
he told me:

        There once was a man from Calcutta
        Who spoke with a terrible stutter.
        At dinner he said,
        "Please pass me the bread,
        and the b, b, b, b, b, b, butter."

Ooooh, just thought of another one I haven't seen posted on this yet:

        There once was a man from Quine
        Who had 3 wives at a time;
        When asked why a third,
        He said, "One is absurd!
        And Bigomy, dear sir, is a crime!"

Take care!

Sarah L.  *smile*
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 13:36:54 LCL
From:         Andy Mavrias <[e-mail]>
Subject:      in a perfect world...


Most moral majorities I've seen, are neither moral, nor a majority.

On a George Carlin video I rented once, he made this comment in
reference to a southern baptist minister who was trying to ban a
certain radio program - "Lemme tell you something father, there are
two knobs on a radio; one of them changes the station, the other -
TURNS IT OFF!"
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 10:52:30 -0800
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Favorite bumper sticker

A recent bumpersticker I saw may have some relevance to recent flames on this
list.

"If you can't change your mind,
    Are you sure you still have one"

Larry Richards
Internet: [e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 13:11:46 -0500
From:         Zinger Zahorik <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Bud scale (offensive to feminists)

these three guys are sitting at a bar bored as hell so they decide to rate the
women as they walk by. So a good looking woman walks by and the first guy says
"she ain't bad. I give 'er a 7" Second guy explains "Ya hey, about a 8 for me"
And the third guy says "you're right, she is nice I give her a 1" The other
two look at him in shock. Another lovely struts by...."Wow, she's great, a 10
in my book"...."you got that right a 10 here too"....."yup, she's definitely a
2"....again they look at the last guy confused. Down the bar a former
centerfold hears what's going on and struts her stuff...."Oh my god!! She's
off the scale...a 12!"...."Man, she is way better than that....15!"......"Is
that all you can give her?  From me she gets a 4!" Now the centerfold heard
this and says "How can you sit there and give me a 4?!! I'm a former
centerfold for 3 different magazines! And you go and give me a 4!" So the man
explains "I don't use the same system they do. I use the Bud scale."  "So
what's the Bud scale?", she asks. "The Bud scale consists of the number of
Clydesdales it would take to pull you off of my face!"
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 13:00:00 CST
From:         Steve Bell <[e-mail]>
Subject:      bumper stickers

        It's now official:
        Jimmy Carter is no longer the worst president the U.S. ever had.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 13:41:52 EDT
From:         Larry Kyrala <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Symptoms of being an authority...

The Medical Institute identified a strange new condition that
turns people into authorities.  Skeptics claim that this condition
has been around for some time, but unfortunately, there is still
no known cure for the condition.

A Samali doctor's alleged cure for the disorder was exposed as
a hoax earlier this week, in spite of his continued support for
the "decapitation" method.

If you suffer from any of the following symptoms, you should
see your doctor as soon as possible.  Although there is no cure
at this point, there is treatment availible that can prolong
the more serious side-effects of this illness.

   *  You start taking yourself seriously

   *  You start taking others seriously

   *  You find yourself using more than 50 politically
      correct terms per day

   *  You no longer doubt your opinions

   *  You find yourself on the top of the evolutionary ladder

   *  Everybody listens to you

   *  Nobody understands you

   *  You're sure you've said something, but when asked,
      you can't remember what it was about

   *  You feel so confident about your own life, that
      you start to live other people's lives for them as well

   *  Talk is cheap, but you make other people pay for yours anyway

   *  You find yourself flying with only one wing...
      the left or the right, it doesn't matter

   *  You can't follow instructions anymore

   *  When people laugh at you, you say "that's not funny"

   *  You forget to post humor on the HUMOR list

______________________________________________________________________________
_

 "If people thought he wasn't half as funny as
  he thought he was, I think they wouldn't
  have thought to think..."
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 13:49:13 -0400
From:         "Nigel H. Mendez" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Jack Schitt

Enough already about the "Bad taste" jokes....Buddy I hate to say it but
everything in this world is offensive to somebody.  The idea behind this
list is to provide humor to people, not to preach morals.  If you do not
agree with what is posted, signoff.  Most of the items posted are funny,
some you might think are out of line, and you might be right, but most are
indeed funny.  You are not required to be on this list, so deal with it or
get off.

Back to the point of this list, I am sure that some of you out there have
had somebody tell you that you do not know "Jack Shit"..but the problem is
that knowbody, until know, has introduced you to him..so here it is.
Enjoy.

                   So You Don't Know Jack Schitt?

Well, he's the only son of Awh and Oh Schitt.
Awh, the fertilizer magnate, married Oh, the owner of the Kneedeep Inn.
Jack, married Noe.
They produced six children. Holy, thier firs, passed on shortly after birth.
Next came twin sons, Deep and Dip, two daughters, Fulla and Giva, and
another son, Bull.
Deep married Dumb, a high school dropout.
Dip married Lotta, and they have a son, Chicken.
Filla and Giva married the Happens brothers.
The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd, and Horace.
Bull just married a spicy number, pisa, and they are awaiting the arrival of
a baby schitt.

Now you know Jack Schitt!

   Nigel Mendez                                        /T\
   Connecticut College                                /   \
   Voice: [phone]                             /  --*\
   Internet: [e-mail]            _/___|___\_,
   Bitnet: nhmen@conncoll                       ~~~\L_A_S_E_R_/~~~
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 14:52:44 -0400
From:         Mike Shockley <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Crude sex joke!!

Question:    Do you know what a pussy is?
Answer:  It's the box a penis *comes* in!!
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 12:53:10 -0600
From:         Debby Romero <[e-mail]>
Subject:      POPEYE JOKE

What happened when Napoleon went to Mt. Olive?
Popeye got pissed!
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 14:50:00 -0400
From:         Eric Schmidt <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: "Beavis N-Buthead

    What do you get if you spill Chinese Food in Cherokee North Carolina?
    Lo Mein on the Totem Pole.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 09:10:40 EST
From:         Rick Dahm <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: GRUESOME PUNSY

<*Is embalming a dead issue?
-I don't know, but I'd really prefer humor in a different vein.
        (Okay, Derryck, you're next!)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--
Webter's dictionary entries that never made it past the editors:
-Shampoo : Winnie the Impostor

(Apologies to A.A. Milne)

I think I'll make like an escaping forger and get the fake out of here.

=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 14:42:31 -0500
From:         Forrest Baulieu <[e-mail]>
Subject:      answers to the third "phrase game"

(a)   20 = Q. (A.,V., or M.)
            questions (animal, vegetable, or mineral)
(b)   10 = L.I.
            Little Indians
(c)   7  = Y. of B.L. for B. a M.
            Years of bad luck for breaking a mirror
(d)   3  = P. into which A.G. was D.
            Parts into which all Gaul was divided
(e)   2000  =   P. in a T.
            Pounds in a ton
(f)   4  = S. on a V.
            Strings on a violin
(g)   76 = T. that L. the B.P.
            Trombones that led the big parade
(h)   2  = G. of V.
            Gentlemen of Verona
(i)   3  = L.K. that L.T.M.
            Little kittens that lost their mittens
(j)   18.5  = M.E. from the W.T.
            Minutes erased from the Watergate tapes
(k)   1  = R.A in E.B.
            Rotten apple in every barrel
(l)   20 = C. in a P.
            cigarettes in a pack
(m)   6  = P. on a P.T.
            players on a polo team (?)
(n)   66 = B of the B. (in the K.J.V.)
            books of the Bible (in the King James version)
(o)   9  = J. of the S.C.
            justices of the supreme court
(p)   10 = D. in a T.N. (including the A.C.)
            digits in a telephone number (including the area code)
(q)   7  = D. with S.W.
            dwarfs with Snow White
(r)   30 = S. over T.
            Seconds Over Tokyo
(s)   8  = D. a W.  (in the B.S.)
            Days a Week (in the Beatles song)
(t)   15 = M. on a D.M.C.                 (I'm not sure this isn't a typo)
            Men on a Dead Man's Chest     (I thought it was 16....       )
(u)   4+20= B.B. in a P.
            Blackbirds baked in a pie
(v)   9  = S. in T.-T.-T.
            squares in Tic-Tac-Toe
(w)   3  = S.Y.O. at the O.B.G.
            strikes-- you're out!-- at the old ball game
(x)   5  = T. on a C. (including the S. in the T.)
            tires on a car (including the spare in the trunk)
(y)   0  = M.
            Mostel!
            (or  "no more")
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 17:26:56 EDT
From:         David_Douglas <[e-mail]>
Subject:      limerick (sexual)

'Twas on the good ship Venus
M' Gawd you should have seen us
the figure-head was a whore in bed
and the bow-sprit was a penis.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 17:36:35 EDT
From:         Bill <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Netiquette <SATIRE>

Original-author: [e-mail] (Brad Templeton)
Last-change: 30 Nov 91 by [e-mail] (Brad Templeton)

"Dear Emily Postnews" Emily Postnews, foremost authority
on proper net behaviour, gives her advice on how to act
on the net.
-----------

Dear Ms. Postnews: I couldn't get mail through to somebody on another
site.  What should I do? -- [e-mail]

A: Dear Eager: No problem, just post your message to a group that a
lot of people read.  Say, "This is for John Smith.  I couldn't get
mail through so I'm posting it.  All others please ignore."

This way tens of thousands of people will spend a few seconds scanning
over and ignoring your article, using up over 16 man-hours their
collective time, but you will be saved the terrible trouble of
checking through Usenet maps or looking for alternate routes.  Just
think, if you couldn't distribute your message to 30,000 other
computers, you might actually have to (gasp) call directory assistance
for 60 cents, or even phone the person.  This can cost as much as a
few DOLLARS (!) for a 5 minute call!

And certainly it's better to spend 10 to 20 dollars of other people's
money distributing the message then for you to have to waste $9 on an
overnight letter, or even 29 cents on a stamp!

Don't forget.  The world will end if your message doesn't get through,
so post it as many places as you can.

Bill Edwards, HUMOR listowner   [e-mail] (uga.cc.uga.edu)
====================================================================
To control your mail send LISTSERV@UGA the command SUB HUMOR
Firstname Lastname, if you want to subscribe; SET HUMOR MAIL (this
is the default option) if you want to receive mail as it is posted;
SET HUMOR DIGEST if you only want to receive mail once a day; SET
HUMOR NOMAIL if you only want posting privileges or if you prefer to
to access HUMOR by downloading archieved files; or SIGNOFF HUMOR to
leave the list. HUMOR is archieved in 3000 line logs; to get the log
numbers, send the command INDEX HUMOR to LISTSERV@UGA
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 17:05:42 -0500
From:         Victor Jockin-2 <[e-mail]>

Two guys who really like baseball made a bet:  When the first one of them
would die, he would come back and tell the other whether there is baseball
in heaven.  Years passed, and one night one of the guys was woken by the
ghost of his friend.

"Oh my God!  Ralph!  What are you doing here?!"
"I've come back with some good news, and some bad news, Frank."
"Yeah?"
"There's baseball in heaven."
"And?"
"You're pitching Friday."
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 18:32:48 -0600
From:         Tom Perry <[e-mail]>
Subject:      B & B

"If I laugh at any mortal thing, tis that I may not cry."  Quoth The Bard
:} Tom Perry
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 19:27:00 EDT
From:         Greg Allen <[e-mail]>
Subject:      old

Old fishermen never die, they just smell that way.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 20:27:37 -0400
Comments:     <Parser> W: SUBJECT field duplicated. Last occurrence was
              retained.
Comments:     Resent-From: [e-mail] (SSgt Sel Scott C.
              McClaren)
Comments:     Originally-From: [e-mail]
From:         "SSgt Sel Scott C. McClaren" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Hotel

How is a cheap hotel like a tight pair of jeans?
No ballroom.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 19:16:53 EST
From:         Tyler Haulenbeek <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: limerick (NOT clean)

There once was a girl from Darjeeling
Who awoke with a very strange feeling
She lay on her back
And tickled her crack
And pissed all over the ceiling...

Not exactly anatomically possible, but fun to sing when you're
a young lad on the playground.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 20:43:57 -0400
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Jeff Fowler, SAI Biological Devt., Palo Alto,
              CA" <[e-mail]>

SUBJECT: Butthead and flaming and first-post and netiquette (but funny)

Perhaps a good new rule of netiquette for the ranters on this list
would be that flaming and discussion should at least be in verse, for
the partial amusement of the innocent bystanders. If your flaming is
not worth the trouble of composing into verse - surely the thoughts are
not worthy of our time reading. Therefore re. the "first-posting"
earlier today....

        There was a young dork in pre-law
        Who was sure he hadn't a flaw.
        To .humor he sent "wit"
        That wasn't worth shit,
        Without thinking the list wasn't for

        Mindless Greetings.

(Ok. It nearly scans.)
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 18:44:45 PDT
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was
              [e-mail]
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Life  2.Q  A collection of clean humor gather on: 8 Feb 88

----------------------------------------------------

     Fred noticed his roommate had a black eye upon returning from a dance.
 "What happened?"  "I was struck by the beauty of the place."

     A pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, "Don't all these stops
and starts get you pretty worn out?"  "It isn't the stops and starts that
get on my nerves, it's the jerks."

     An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same time.
 One was named Edith; the other named Kate.  They met, discovered they had
the same fiancee, and told him.  "Get out of our lives you rascal.  We'll
teach you that you cann't have your Kate and Edith, too."

     A young husband with an inferiorty complex insisted he was just a little
pebble on the beach.  The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to save
your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."

     During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife.  She had
him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.
     Real-estate man:  Would you like to see a model home?
     Man:  I sure would, when does she get off work?

     A bachelor is a cagey guy and has a load of fun:
     He sizes all the cuties up and never Mrs. one.

     Penn's aunts made great pies at low prices.  No one else in town could
compete with the pie rates of Penn's aunts.

     A journalist, thrilled over his dinner, asked the chef for the recipe.
 The chef answered, "Sorry, we have the same policy as you journalists, we
never reveal our sauce."

     The snack bar next door to an atom smasher was called "The Fission
Chips."

     The women at one college called a would be romeo a great natural athlete.
 He makes every broad jump.

     A reverend wanted to call another reverend.  He told the operator, this
is a parson to parson call.

     A farmer with lots of chickens posted the following sign.  "Free
Chickens.
 Our Coop Runneth Over."

     Two brothers, Mort and Bill, like to sail.  Mort is the expert.  Bill
is not the rigger Mort is.

     A man who keep stealing mopids was an obvious cycle-path.

     Advice to ice skaters: You can't always tell a brook by its cover.

     A hermit was arrested after driving a hundred miles an hour, the charge
was recluse driving.

     What do they call a man who builds twenty boats a month?  Sir Launchalot.

     A swami stopped in at the butcher shop and asked for butcher for a pound
of liver, but the dishonest butcher weighed down upon the swami's liver.

     A prospector marched into an assayer's office and planted two huge
nuggests
on the counter.  "Well, don't just stand there, assay something!"

     Indian Chief Shortcake died, so Squaw bury Shortcake.

     An Indian family with sixteen kids was just one big Hopi family.

     A fortune-teller started laughing seconds after looking into his crystal
ball.  The client hit him.  "Why did you do that"  "My mother always told
me to strike a happy medium."

     An American family sent some poor cousins in East Germany a package
of food.  Weeks later when they heard it still had not arrived, cabled the
cousins with "Cheer up, the wurst is yet to come."
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 21:41:00 EST
From:         "Shirley D. Kennedy [phone]" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Latin Innuendo...

Veni Vidi Visa

I came.  I saw.  I shopped.

Shirl
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 20 Oct 1993 16:09:50 EDT
From:         Eric Unger <Eric=J.=[e-mail]>
Subject:      Redneck Christmas

Obligatory humor attributed to Randy and the Rednecks.

On the nth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
12 pack of Bud,
11 wrasslin' tickets,
tin of Copenhagen,
9 years probation,
8 table dancers,
7 packs of Red Man,
6 cans of Spam,
5 flannel shirts,
4 mud-grip tires,
3 shot-gun shells,
2 hunting dogs,
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 21 Oct 1993 10:34:59 KOR
From:         "MAJ Bart D. Cook" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Bad for boys <clean>

Computer Magazine gossip columnist Robert X. Cringely wrote in the October
4, 1993 issue about a greeting card sent to him by his (at that time
estranged) girlfriend.  It said:

"It takes a mighty good man to be better than no man at all."

Bart
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 22 Oct 1993 08:32:03 EDT
From:         Bill <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Proverbs

  He set my house on fire only to roast his eggs.
  Everyone is eloquent in his own cause.
  No one is second to himself.
  It's no use crying over spilt milk.
  Do not kick against the pricks.
  Heat not a furnace for your foe so hot that you may singe yourself.
  Fools bite one another, but the wise agree together.
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 22 Oct 1993 08:23:16 -0400
From:         "Nigel H. Mendez" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      World Religions Explained

Comparative Analysis of World Religious Philosophies
----------------------------------------------------

Taoism * shit happens
Confucianism * Confucius say, "shit happens"
Buddhism * shit happening is an illusion
Islam * shit happening is the will of Allah
Zen * what is the sound of shit happening?
Hinduism * this shit has happened before
Catholicism * if shit happens you deserve it
Judiasm * why does shit always happen to us?
Calvinism * shit happens because you don't work hard enough
Christian Science * if shit happens, pray and it will go away
Protestantism * let shit happen to someone else
Atheism * shit happens for no reason
Agnosticism * maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't
Hare Krisna * shit happens, shit happens, shit happens
Stoicism * shit happens; I can take it
Jehovah's Witnesses * let us in and we'll tell you why shit happens
Rastafarianism * let's smoke this shit and see what happens
========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 22 Oct 1993 13:08:02 BST
From:         Mike Ellwood <[e-mail]>
Subject:      feetwear, politicos, thisisasubectupwithwhichIwillnotput

From a notice here at work today:
"Stores have now arranged a running contract for the supply of safety footwear
 ..."
hmm...With Rebok I wonder?
:)

Voluntary humor:

Q.How do you know when a politician is lying?
A. When he opens his mouth
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 22 Oct 1993 07:43:00 EDT
From:         "Musat, Bob" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      daffy definitions

define the following:  LAGOON
A:  A French idiot
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 22 Oct 1993 10:19:51 +0100
From:         Alun Richards <[e-mail]>
Subject:      More Latin innuendo

Result of not using a condom...

Vici veni VD-Clinic
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 21 Oct 1993 21:34:06 EST
From:         Pfabulous Phantom <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Bedroom golf (Rating: Mild R)

=======================================================MON OCT 11, 1993
10.40.14
A guy at work gave me this.  I thought the people at freetalk and others
might enjoy it.

OFFICIAL RULES OF BEDROOM GOLF
------------------------------------------------------------------------

1) Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play.  Normally, one
club and two balls.

2) Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3) Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and
keep the balls out of the hole.

4) For more effective play, the club should have a firm shaft.  Course
owners are permitted to check the shaft for stiffness before play
begins.

5) The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until
the course owner is satisfied that play is complete.  Failure to do
so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

6) It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon
arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to
admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.

7) Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played
or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played.  Upset
course owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this
reason.

8) Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.

9) Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly
scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first
time.  Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover
someone else playing what they considered to be a private course.

10) Players should not assume a course in in shape for play at all
times.  Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course
temporarily under repair.  Players are advised to be extremely tactful
in this situation.  More advanced players will find alternate means of
play when this is the case.

11) Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before
attempting to play the back nine.

12) Slow play is encouraged.  However, players should be prepared to
proceed at a quicker pace (temporarily) at the course owner's request.

13) It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play
the same hole several times in one match.

14) The course owner will be the judge of who is the best player.

NOTE: Players are advised to think twice before considering membership
at a given course.  Additional assessments may be levied by the course
owner and the rules are subject to change.  For this reason, many
players prefer to continur to play several different courses.

Best Wishes,

Dwayne N. ([e-mail])
Northern  Michigan  University
------------------------------------------------------------------  37